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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A break!

After a break,that I am sorry to the readers for....I am just overwhelmed with art work and life decisions.I recently am Organizing a two person show for march,Finishing a 4 ft x 8 ft mural for Project hope for the homeless,Figuring out the best mode of action to get my daughter in my life,Endless commissions,Pushing a mural proposal in my city,and now possibly working on a monument for people lost to addiction.

Now this is no excuse for my break but I had to get right with myself before I spoke here.I am writing today cause I have a good friend going in for surgery on his brain this very morning.He had a seizure and the dr's found cancer.On a personal note this hit so close to home.With the loss of so many friends and my own mother.I walk through life with what may be a skewed perspective.It seems though that some of the best people are plagued with turmoil.This man who has contracted this cancerous tumor works harder than anyone I know.Loves is family first and business second.A good soul.A benefit to the community and now has to deal with something that seems so undeserving (in my opinion).

Now I know life isn't always fair.And I know the people who seem to walk through life "wasting" it may not be as happy as they seem.I realize I can only see my perspective but the point to today's blog is the fact that this wonderful person who is only in there mid 30's is weighing on my mind in many different ways.So this blog is more of a vent than anything as I have thought about a lot of things in the past 2 months or so between the being overwhelmed,my own life,and this current circumstance.So bear with me Here it goes:

I have a hard time getting my mind around the perspective that bad things happen to good people.I am having a hard time this month with the fact that, My birthday is feb. 3rd, My daughters 11th birthday is feb. 5th, My moms death anniversary is the march 11th.Like between all of this and the things weighing on me right now I can only wonder how much I can take.I wonder why those who invest so much "seem" to get so little back.It also makes me realize like I have since childhood just how fragile human life really is.How in a literal second everything can change for the better or the worst.That this life we can all take for granted can work in our favor or plague us till we explode.That life is so simple and complex at the same time.I have come to realize that I personally must get busy living or get busy dying.Life gives us options and for this I am grateful but it can also take them away at a moments notice.Everything that goes up eventually must come down.

As I sit here overwhelmed with thought,happiness,misunderstanding,I am left with racing thoughts yet completely speechless...What a conundrum.....As I walk through life helping everyone I can,Trying to help my community,and trying to maintain happiness within myself.I feel like I am doing "what I am here for" but in the same sense I realize I can be taken from here anytime.I also realize daily I have to deal with my own demons.Be it the demons I have created or ones others have bestowed upon me.I sit here in fear that My daughter wont know her father,That I may not achieve the outreach to others I hope for daily,That I may leave here not having finished "what I was supposed to do".....I again am perplexed

Excuse the jumping around but,I feel so found yet so lost.I know that many of us may feel the same way.Some of you may think I am crazy....I feel like "genius on the border of insanity"....I mean don't get me wrong I know what I want to do.I know whats right.I am thinking clearly.I just have these "conundrums" that come up from time to time.This thing with this friend of mine really hit close to home.One of the only things since the death of my mom,birth of my beautiful daughter,and my own overdose that makes me realize that life is truly a gift.It does have a purpose.And on the flip side well things sometimes "seem" to have no rhyme or reason.

As I stare at the blinking cursor............My emotions screaming to write......My mind screaming to slow down and compose myself......I again am perplexed....That feeling again of being so lost and yet so found at the same time.The mind is a wonderful thing.Well to those reading I am sorry for such a long break again there are no excuses.I was lacking due to trying to compose myself while being so overwhelmed.The blogs will be more consistent.

I wish all of you the best in your journey.I hope this was not a rambling that went misunderstood.I encourage all of you to smile at someone today as tomorrow may not be here and being positive is contagious.

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